The Not So Terrible 2's
How can we reframe our understanding of this critical childhood stage to better support our child's socioemotional development?
Dr. Nate Balfanz, founder of Dr. Nate Psych
Prior to living and practicing in Orange County, I spent a few years working as a therapist and classroom aid in an alternative preschool setting for children ages 2-5 in Los Angeles. This was perhaps the richest clinical experience I’ve had to date, as it provided me with a firsthand glimpse into the early workings of how a child’s personality formation could be understood and shaped within the context of relationships with the significant adults in their life. It was in this setting where I learned that the oft-labeled defiant, unruly, or otherwise “bad” behavior of young children could be reconsidered as a child’s emerging attempt to express their personality and to communicate unmet needs. And while these early toddler years can be a frustrating time period for parents trying to manage what may seem like a never-ending barrage of protests and tantrum-like behaviors, child-focused researchers and experts have suggested how we can take solace in the idea that noncompliant behavior in toddler-aged children is both a healthy and positive stage in their developmental process.
What the Research Tells Us
From age two onwards, in typically developing children we are likely to see a significant increase in language development, mobility, and a desire to test the limits that the grown-ups have put in place for them. As psychologist and founder of BabyShrink.com Dr. Heather Wittenberg put it,
"A two-year-old starts to understand limits and starts to learn rules and structure to the world...and limits are all about 'no,' which is why you get so much negativity from two-year-olds.
For the parents of these children, the primary focus should be on learning how to strike a delicate balance between providing those limits and encouraging the child’s emerging ability to think, feel, and explore the surrounding world in a more autonomous way. While we do not want to simply appease children when their noncompliant behavior intensifies, we should also be cognizant that we are not so rigidly adhering to the limits we set so as to avoid stifling the child’s emerging sense of mastery, self-worth, and a “can do” attitude.
Tips For Managing a Toddler's Noncompliant Behavior
- Pick your power struggles.
Toddlers are often referred to in the child development literature as “little scientists,” meaning that they are constantly looking to test out how the world works through repeated trial and error. Thus, look for opportunities to encourage and facilitate this learning process while still maintaining limits where you see best fit (i.e. when it becomes a matter of the child’s safety or personal wellbeing). - Help grow your toddler's emotional vocabulary.
As the toddler’s capacity for language develops, we will want to use this as an opportunity to enhance his/her emotional vocabulary and use words rather than actions to communicate distressed feeling states (ex. “I can see that you’re feeling very angry right now!”). Not only are we teaching our children how to use their words, but we are also validating their emotional experience to help convey that we value their feelings regardless of the way they may choose to communicate them. - Shift your understanding of the behavior.
The noncompliant behaviors of a toddler are their earliest attempts at individuation and autonomy, which are necessary and important steps for any human being’s development. Try to reconsider your children’s noncompliance as an indication that they are taking the necessary steps towards becoming an independent adult that is confident in communicating their needs and advocating on their own behalf.
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